Notes From A Burning House

with apologies to Jim Henson and his family…

*     *     *

(The episode opens with a knock on a dressing room door. It opens, and SCOOTER pokes his head in.)

SCOOTER: Ten seconds to curtain, Mr. Vice-President.

There is the sound of a gun shot. SCOOTER’s face is blasted with buckshot. He yelps and trembles, his face smoking.

SCOOTER: Um. Whenever. You’re ready. Of course. Sorry.

(CUT TO: the "O" in the "Muppet Show" marquee. KERMIT makes the opening announcement, accompanied by timpani.)

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show !! With our very special guest star, Vice-President Dick Cheney! Yaaaaaay!!!

(CUE the MUPPET SHOW theme. "It’s time to play the music" At the end, GONZO appears in the "O" to blow the final note on his trumpet. As he draws breath to play, he is tackled by a SECRET SERVICE AGENT. Cut to commercial.)

(Commercial ends. Onstage, with red curtain drawn. Audience applauds. KERMIT enters and acknowledges applause.)

KERMIT: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight our very special guest is Vice-President of the United States Dick Cheney.

(Applause.)

KERMIT: Because the Vice-President is with us this week, you may notice we have to take some extra securitee measures.

(SECRET SERVICE muppet agents appear in background, in front of red curtain. KERMIT eyes them and returns his attention to the audience.)

KERMIT: Um. So just try to ignore them and we’ll continue with the uh…

(The head of a S.S. AGENT muppet appears from below, near KERMIT, looks around slowly.)

KERMIT: uh, we’ll just continue with the show as normal here. In honor of the Vice-President, we now present our national anthem.

(Applause. The curtain is drawn to reveal FOZZIE BEAR.)

FOZZIE BEAR (removing his hat): Aaaaaaaah, ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the national anthem.

(The Muppet audience is shown standing up by their seats.)

(FOZZIE BEAR sings ‘The Star Spangled Banner.’)

(The MUPPET AUDIENCE, applauding, sits down unleashing a loud chorus of whoopee cushions.)

FOZZIE BEAR: Aaaaaah!! Wacka wacka wacka!!

(CUT TO: Backstage. FOZZIE and musicians are departing from the stage, KERMIT is looking around.)

KERMIT: Well done, Fozzie. Uh, Scooter, would you please go get the Vice-President? He’s due on stage.

(CUT TO: Hallway outside the dressing room. SCOOTER approaches the door to knock, springs a trap that hoists him up by his leg and hangs him upside down.)

SCOOTER: Aaaaaaaauuuggghh!!!!

(CUT TO: Stage. MISS PIGGY enters in a smokin’ form-fitting sequined dress.)

MISS PIGGY: Bon soir, mes amies, bon soir! I have un petit chantoose in honor of Mr. Cheney’s birth-day.

(ROWLF THE DOG starts playing the piano. MISS PIGGY sings, breathlessly.)

MISS PIGGY: Happy.birthday…Mr. Vice-President…. Happy….birthday…

(COMMERCIAL)

(CUT TO: Dressing room. KERMIT knocks on the door.)

KERMIT (from outside): Uh, Mr. Vice-President? (knocks again) Mr. Cheney, can I come in? It’s Kermit! Kermit-deee-Frog here

CHENEY: Step slowly through the metal detector as you come in please.

(KERMIT opens the door, steps through a metal detector that glows and makes spooky laboratory sounds. KERMIT makes his disgruntled face.)

KERMIT: Hey, Mr. Vice-President, we are so very honored to have you on our show.

CHENEY: I’m pleased to be here, Kermit. You represent a very important constituency the future voters of our Republic. Although your show receives its funding from producers in London, we consider Great Britain a good close friend of the United States.

KERMIT: Uh, well, Mr. Cheney, the American networks wouldn’t touch our show so we had to go to the London producer.

CHENEY: Kermit, can you please confirm the identity of this person who seems to have been shadowing me?

(CAMERA moves to SCOOTER, head covered with a black hood. A SECRET SERVICE muppet removes the hood to reveal SCOOTER, looking shell-shocked.)

KERMIT: Awk! That’s Scooter! This is our Stage Manager! Please let him go. We need him!

(CHENEY regards SCOOTER with suspicion. SCOOTER regards him fearfully.)

CHENEY: Okay, boys. I guess he checks out. Get that dog out of here.
(A SECRET SERVICE muppet walks past camera, leading off an enormous MUPPET DOG who barks and growls ferociously. KERMIT makes his disgusted face.)

(CUT TO: Stage. A scary-looking screen and black curtain cordons off some enormous object. The timpani begins to roll, and GONZO enters, wearing a cape.)

GONZO: Ladies and gentlemen, I THE GREAT GONZO!! will now disarm this WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION that was found by our liberating forces in Baghdad!

(The audience gasps.)

GONZO: Ladies and gentlemen, I must have absolute quiet for this dangerous act. Please.

(The drum roll intensifies. There is a hush. GONZO dramatically approaches the curtain. He pulls it back with a flourish and there is nothing there.)

GONZO: Huh? Wait a minute!!

(CUT TO: The dressing room. MISS PIGGY, CHENEY and KERMIT are here, with SECRET SERVICE muppets in the background.)

MISS PIGGY: A loyalty oath? You’re making me sign a loyalty oath?

CHENEY: If you have nothing to hide, there really is nothing to be upset about.

KERMIT: I’m sorry, Piggy, but the Vice-President has noted that you speak a lot of French.

MISS PIGGY: Moi? I mean, me? No no, that’s just an affectuation. I love my country.

CHENEY: It’s just a precaution. Before I go on stage, and bring the seal of the United States to the stage of your theatre.

MISS PIGGY: Listen, you creepy VeePee, I’m not signing a piece of paper proving I’m a loyal American.

KERMIT: Piggy?

MISS PIGGY: Stuff it, Frog.

CHENEY: Miss Piggy, if you sign this paper, I am in position to send you on a very special mission.

MISS PIGGY: Moi is listening - I mean, what is it?

CHENEY: We have liberators deployed all over the world, Miss Piggy. Good, handsome, strong, American boys all over Arabia. An entertainer like you could, shall we say, perk up their spirits?

MISS PIGGY: Mmmmm. Arabia…princes…treasure… on second thought, Mr. Vice-President, I am proud to sign an oath swearing that moi is a true American!

(CUT TO: SWEDISH CHEF sketch in which he demonstrates how to make "Freedom Fries," or as he puts it "der foodum flies." The sketch ends when he ends up falling into the frier and disappearing.)

(CUT TO: KERMIT on stage.)

KERMIT: Well, we have already reached the end of our show and I am pleased to announce a very special surprise guest ladies and gentlemen, the PRESIDENT of the United States!

(Applause. A podium with the presidential seal is rolled on, and a muppet version of BUSH appears.)

BUSH MUPPET: heh heh heh… Thanks for havin’ me… Nice to be here. My fellow Americans.

KERMIT: Um. Um. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

BUSH MUPPET: Yes?

KERMIT: This is not the president, this is a puppet!

(CHENEY’s head emerges from below, near the podium.)

CHENEY: Ssssh! This IS the President!

KERMIT: Good grief!

(ENTER MISS PIGGY)

MISS PIGGY (outraged voice): Hold on, Dick. This ticket is for not for Arabia, it’s for Pyongyang! I’m not ending up in anybody’s bulgogi! You double-crossed me! Hiiiiii-YAAH!!!!

(She proceeds to beat up CHENEY. The BUSH PUPPET goes flying. SECRET SERVICE muppets try to intervene and are soon airborne as CHENEY sinks below camera range, trying to defend himself.)

KERMIT: Start the music! Start the music!

MISS PIGGY: You chicken hawk draft dodger!!

(GONZO’S CHICKENS enter, outraged, and start pecking at CHENEY.)

(CUE ending theme and credits. When the music sustains near the end, cut to STATLER and WALDORF in their box.)

STATLER: Isn’t it terrible the way they treat those prisoners at Guantanamo Bay?

WALDORF: Could be worse.

STATLER: How??

WALDORF: They could make them watch this show with us!

STATLER and WALDORF: Waaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha.!

(The music finishes. END OF SHOW)

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